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"Dear brethren, our real trouble is not doubt about the way upon which we have set out, but our failure to be patient, to keep quiet. We still cannot imagine that today God really doesn't want anything new for us, but simply to prove us in the old way. That is too petty, too monotonous, too undemanding for us. And we simply cannot be constant with the fact that God's cause is not always the successful one, that we really could be "unsuccessful": and yet be on the right road. But this is where we find out whether we have begun in faith or in a burst of enthusiasm."

-Dietrich Bonhoeffer

I have never read the writing of someone so certain of failure and yet so sure that the direction he was going in was correct. Over and over again, I read these letters where Bonhoeffer writes to friends honest, yet inspiring words of the hope within failure. It reminds me of the song "Background" by Lecrae where it says, "'Cause if I do this by myself, I'm scared that I'll succeed/ And no longer trust in You, 'cause I only trust in me."

Success is an idol in my life. Even little successes. For example, yesterday I had decided to drive to pickup my husband from work without looking up directions. It's easy, take an exit off of 440, turn right, then turn left at the correct road. I kept reading street signs and never found the road I was supposed to turn on. I drove until the road ended. I was furious when I looked it up on my phone and found out that the road I was supposed to turn on actually changed names just before the intersection. Why? Because I sought out a small success and it couldn't even be mine. I turned around and realized the idiocy behind my frustration. I couldn't have possibly known the road changed names without research.

But life successes are also something I yearn for. Lecrae's song lyrics point out the negatives of success and honestly, I don't think I'm ready for anything close to big life successes or failures, especially if I can't handle loss of a small victory.

"We still cannot imagine that today God really doesn't want anything new for us, but simply to prove us in the old way."