61: Waiting

I was speaking to a friend yesterday and I told her that I felt like a good deal of my life was waiting. She nodded in agreement and then responded that the key, though, is to live like you are not. If you consider every moment as just waiting for something else, then you tend to loose sight of the present. I lose sight of the present frequently. I am going to try to make an effort to steer away from that.


Living in the present is complicated. But I hope to improve.

60: UNCHRISTIAN

I am in the process of reading a book called UnChristian: What a New Generation Really Thinks About Christianity...and Why It Matters by David Kinnaman and Gabe Lyons. Below are a few quotes interesting thoughts from the book:

"In studying thousands of outsiders' impressions, it is  clear that Christians are primarily perceived for what they stand against. We have become famous for what we oppose, rather than who we are for."


"As Christians, however, we need to make continual, honest evaluations of ourselves so that we can uncover the ways in which our lives do not accurately reflect what we profess."

"Jesus was concerned about the reputation of his Father in heaven. Are you? Your life shows other people what God is like."

59: Constant

I pray for the sun
Some guidance, some truth, some glimpse of the things to come
With only your song
Your love made me strong when all hope was gone

All through the night I was falling
Straining to hear your voice calling
You never gave up, never gave in, never quite gave up on me
You are my constant

We always want time
To hoard up our treasures and bury our dead
It's true what he said
The foxes have holes but the king has no place for his head

I pray for relief
But relief doesn't come, just the will to press on
With only your song
Your love makes me strong when all hope is gone


All through the night, Your love is faithful to me
All through the night, your love is right here with me
All through the night, your love is holding me

Constant by House of Heroes 


Over the last couple of years, I have come to learn that NOTHING is ever a given, except God. 

An interesting concept about marriage is that when your spouse's life direction changes, so does your own.  Our lives changed direction a couple of weeks ago. A couple of weeks ago, I discovered this song. 


I am learning to take my emotions out of the equation sometimes, because my emotions can deceive me. I am learning to sift through my emotions with Truth. My mentor told me last week to take my husband at his word. I realized today that that goes for God too. I should be taking God at his Word, not interpreting or trying to find messages where there are no messages, but to weigh it against His Word.

58: Creativity

I believe that in order to do something that's really creative, to truly create something, I think that means that you have to do something that you don't know how to do. Otherwise I think you fall into the danger of becoming repetitious and that's a factory line. I think you have to keep walking into a room that you are not familiar with.
- Thad Cockrell



I was told a great deal at an internship in college that I needed to think more outside the box. They were trying to provide me the free time and space to do that, but I have found that unless there is a specific purpose, the idea of creating just to create is complicated. In my current position, I am constantly bombarded with new obstacles and projects that I've never even attempted to create before. With that I am constantly challenged, I learn much, but mostly I become keenly aware of how much more there is to learn. I think that I've become better for it.

57: Chocolate Soda

I like it when my husband goes to the grocery store. More times that not, he walks in, bags in his hand and says, "I've got a surprise." Sometimes it is my favorite snack or energy drink, but sometimes, it is something we have never tried before and he brings it home as a kind of mini-adventure.


This week it was Chocolate Soda. An intriguing carbonated-chocolate flavor. We will probably never buy again, but now we can say that we know what it tastes like.

56:DESK

I like to want things. I like to think about getting things for a long time before I actually get them. I've been wanting a desk for six months. I looked on craigslist often, finding potential choices, but never following up. See, desks cost money.

At our apartment complex, the area surrounding the dumpster was a permanent spot where reject furniture was placed. One day when I came home, there was a desk. It was small enough to fit into the nook in our room. I walked over to it and looked it over. It didn't match the furniture in our room. It was missing a shelf. It had wheels and the keyboard drawer worked. It was perfect.

I ran upstairs and told my husband to come downstairs with me. I showed him the desk and he was unexcited about taking a free desk from the dumpster area on our road. But he saw my excitement and gave in, only requesting that I clean every surface once we got upstairs. I did.

It is beat up, but it is mine. I made a corner of it and I could not be more excited. My husband said he would never use it, but the other day I came home to find him using the printer, sitting in the chair, computer attached. Our newest addition is therefore officially a success.

55: You'll never find me

"I met God on the street tonight
and he said: 'choose your battles wisely or you’ll never find me'"

As a non-Christian, I had issues with Christianity, stumbling blocks that kept me from believing in and accepting such a faith. I can't count the number of times I've heard, "I don't know if I can believe in a faith that feels this way about this particular issue." I had multiple issues. When I came to Christ I still had those issues, I still struggled between what I wanted to believe and what I was being told was true. I won't say that one day I suddenly accepted the other side. It was a slow chipping away at my soul, unnoticed by me mostly. The issues became less and less important in the grand scheme of things. In fact, they are all beside the point except a few very crucial beliefs.

I didn't stop battling with God. In fact, most days I still find myself not listening. But the battles are not the point. That is what this line means to me. I am so thankful that God took me as his own on one unexpected Sunday when I was a freshman in college. I am so thankful that my friend asked me as a favor to go to church with her. I am so thankful that on that day I was so aware of my brokenness and my need that I started to believe in the truth. My life has never been the same.

54: House of Heroes

New band that I am into. This song is supposed to be their attempt at creating a West Side Story like scenario. Personally, when I listen to this song I think The Outsiders. The next post will be more in-depth about a line in the song.

53: Bitterness

"Have contempt for contempt."   - Francis de Sales


I have a tendency to let bitterness build up. I am trying to learn to get past that. It effects all relationships. This quote is my inspiration.

52: Fruit of the Week

Cara Cara Oranges

In my quest to try new fruits, I have discovered that there is so much differentiation within specific types of fruit. In an attempt to buy blood oranges, I stumbled across a strange hybrid called the Cara Cara Orange. 

It was a bit too sweet for my taste, but I did research on it to share.

Wikipedia says that it evokes the flavors of "cherry, rose petal and blackberry." 

51

I am allergic to peanut butter. The allergy has surfaced in the last few months and though it is not a deadly allergy, it is itchy and unpredictable and not worth the trouble.

I gave up peanuts for good. Eventually, I will write a post about the foods I will so dearly miss, but today I want to talk about SoyNut Butter.

My husband and I went through the choices at the grocery store...Almond Butter, Sunflower Seed Butter, and SoyNut Butter. We settled on SoyNut because it was the most healthy.

That night I had a SNB&J sandwich.

50-19

The Coffee Phenomenon

When I break down and make myself a cup of coffee at work I'm usually in crisis. I'm talking waking up after falling asleep for a few minutes and praying no one saw and or heard me.

But, even with this very infrequent habit there are specific steps that I run through.

Step 1: The Search for Hazelnut


I figure with my infrequent coffee consumption, there is no need to settle for regular coffee when I could have my favorite. At work, we have Keurig coffee machines. The cabinet underneath is filled with flavors. I go searching for Hazelnut. Usually if I can't find Hazelnut, I settle on anything. All regular coffee tastes the same to me.

Step 2: The Cup


Just after 8am all of the cool mugs are gone. We have two types. You can take a guess at the cool one.

 

Step 3: Hot Coffee
Warm. Energizing.

Step 4: Cold Coffee
I never can seem to finish a cup before it gets cold. Solution: add ice and get my very own specially sweetened iced coffee.

Step 5: Give up
Cold watery coffee is just not tasty.

49-18

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry
I'll come back when you call me
No need to say goodbye


Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war
Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light...


This weekend, my husband and I have to go through a packet. A packet of choices. We have to make lists of priorities, places. Then we have to give it away. Our list of preferences will then be compared to hundreds if not thousands of others. 


In the fall, we will know.








Lyrics from The Call by Regina Spektor

48-17

Mind the Gap

My husband and I lead a small group on a campus near where we live. By near I mean under an hour drive [unless a van has somehow driven off the road and a state trooper walks in front of your car on the highway, hand outstretched, demanding the careful and quick attention of your breaks]. I arrived today without my husband. Early. Ready to talk about the articles for the week. I walked with and among the throng of lively young students, stopping for a couple on bikes riding down a sloping sidewalk. I walked into one of the student union. Where people come to socialize and study, for a snack or a performance. Two years out, I feel like a foreigner wandering through a crowd of strangers.

I think back to the years of standing in a doorway, knowing that what I did here was preparing me to walk through to the other side. I’ve been to the other side now, only to realize that I’ve simply found myself another doorway, waiting impatiently for the opportunity to walk through to the other side. But all of life is a doorway, maybe even a window at times. Pointing to what is beyond where we are, but never quite letting us get there.

As I sit listening to the murmur of hurried conversations, a view of food, iPod earphones, book bags and computers increase my distance. I wait for an epiphany that will not come. I realize how much I don’t belong and I wonder then where I stand. In the gap? Ah, but the Brits say to watch for that. The gap between past and present is a dangerous place to stand for too long especially if the past is filled with daydreams of a future unfulfilled and the present is a reminder that some of those fulfillments will never come.

The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want.

47-16

You'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need

I've listened to this song so many times without listening to the words and this week, this line stuck out to me. I can't get it out of my head actually. Life is harder than I expected.Busy. Tiring. And sometimes there are moments when I wish it was different. But I know that once this season is over, my husband and I will be stronger for it.


Lyrics by OneRepublic--Stop and Stare

46-15

 

I like mini-things. In the dollar spot of any store, I am in trouble. Above are mini-post-it notes that I found in the drawers of supplies at work and mini-notebooks that I purchased today.

In a similar theme, I like mini-envelopes a great deal. Today I took a shot at making my own. I think I found a new hobby.

45-14

I like trying new fruits. Though this one looks quite similar to an apple, it is not and it doesn't taste anything like one. It is called a Japanese pear because of its grainy texture, but it is sweeter than a pear. I think this summer I will try a new fruit every week until I run out. We will see how it goes.

44-13

CUTE

These personalized spoons can be used to tell someone something in a unique way.

43-12

A week ago yesterday was Ash Wednesday. I will tell you about my experience in 2010 because it changed my view of suffering and of myself and showed me a possible insight into some biblical text that I did not fully understand.

The experience

2010 was the first and only year that I attended an Ash Wednesday service (I went to an episcopal church in Maryland for the service, though I was not a regular attendee, some of my friends and classmates were). Some of the greater parts of the experience are a blur, but I remember going to get the ashes put on my forehead. The priest going down the line of kneeled bodies whispered something to each of them as he made the sign of the cross with ash covered fingers on their foreheads. I couldn't quite make it out until he got closer. "You are dust and to dust you shall return."

My heart filled with joy as those ashes were placed on my forehead. A reminder of our place, of the majesty and glory of God's creation of us, but also, of the very real truth of life... we are dust. Thank the Lord that God does not think of us that way for it says that He thinks of us more than the number of grains of sand on the earth, for He loves us so. But sometimes, I think we all need to remember where we've come from. Not where we live or where we were born, but ultimately that we come from dust. The recognition of that simple fact takes away any want in me for anything else because I am not entitled to anything and yet I ask(Gen. 18:27-28), but it is good to remember that asking does not mean I will receive. The miracle that is creation and life is enough. And I am not even entitled to that.




The insight


Around this time, I was reading books in the Old Testament. A reoccurring trend in the Old Testament is that the main character goes through some sort of struggle or suffering. One of the immediate responses of the character is to put ashes or dust on his or her head (Ezekiel 27:30, Joshua 7:6, 1 Samuel 4:12, 2 Samuel 1:2, 2 Samuel 13:19, Nehemiah 9:1, Job 2:12, Lamentations 2:10). I wondered if in the midst of their grieving the characters put ashes on their heads for a similar reason that we do on Ash Wednesday. To remind ourselves that we are dust and to dust we shall return.

I asked a great deal of people wiser than me this question about my insight. I never received a yes or a no, but many maybe's. So take this insight as a maybe. Though I will say that in the midst of suffering it is good for me to remind myself of Ash Wednesday because doing so makes the weight lighter.

42-11

When I went to Europe, I was frustrated at the beauty at night that I was unable to capture with my camera. This new camera that I own takes pretty good night shots. My husband and I went on a walk at night to test it's abilities and found ourselves impressed. The shot above is one.

41-10

My husband bought me a camera a while back. I realized that I should probably announce that before continuing. I guess that is why pictures have become more common in my posts. We went to two stores before choosing a camera. We purchased at Target, if you do not recognize the red cart signs.

40-9

Last week, my husband and I went on vacation. Road trip style. We started out with a plan. It adjusted by mostly expanding. It was restful and pretty much glorious.

39-8

O Joy that seekest me through pain, 
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
and feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.




Lyrics by Indelible Grace Music  O Love that will not let me go

38-7

My favorite flower is a white calla lily. The week after Valentine's day, there were calla lily plants on sale. Today, I took off the first three flowers that had formed. The stems were getting weighed down by the flowers on the end. Three flowers can't fill up a vase, so instead I put them in a tea cup.

My old roommate used to take her plants with her when she left for the week/weekend/any period of time because she knew that I would forget to water them. For anyone who ever wants to learn how to take care of plants, I'd say buy your favorite kind. You'll learn because you care.

37-6

As a belated valentine's gift to my husband, I made his favorite meal on Saturday, pulled pork bbq. It was an eight hour process that included a crock pot and much coughing as I heated up a vinegar-based sauce and the cayenne pepper mixture evaporated into the air.

It lacked the smokey flavor of pulled pork bbq, but it was still quite delicious.

36-5

He had theologically redefined the Christian life as something active, not reactive. It had nothing to do with avoiding sin or with merely talking or teaching or believing theological notions or principles or rules or tenets. It had everything to do with living one's life in obedience to God's call through action. It did not merely require a mind, but a body too. It was God's call to be fully human, to live as human beings obedient to the one who made us, which was the fulfillment of our destiny. It was not a cramped, compromised, circumspect life, but a life lived in a kind of wild, joyful, full-throated freedom--that was what it was to obey God.
-Eric Metaxes on Dietrich Bonhoeffer


I am still learning what it means to live in that "wild, joyful, full-throated freedom." Bonhoeffer himself speaks of the daily joy as that feeling that you get when you are headed home. The build up of excitement when you know that you are almost there. I'm still learning that the presence of joy does not mean a lack of sorrow. But something similar to this: "I think my happiness is so deeply, firmly rooted that sorrow simply can't reach that far, however immense it may sometimes seem."[Maria von Wedemeyer]

35-4

Today, after finishing an episode of 30 Rock with my husband, I had extra Chai to drink before bed and settled on catching up on the blogs that I read. Justin Taylor has a post about a man who may be put to death very soon in Afghanistan for his Christian faith. My light heart turned heavy. 


I read about people such as Dietrich Bonhoeffer who lost their lives because they believed that they were following God's call. This man refuses to denounce his faith, even with his body beaten and his life threatened. My heart and prayers go out to him.


Post on your twitter:

Mr. President, speak wisely and boldly, in private if necessary, for Said Musa, imprisoned in Kabul. http://dsr.gd/ezR3jW @BarackObama

Mr. President, please persuade the Afghan govt. not to execute our brother Said Musa. http://bit.ly/bQ5RLQ @BarackObama Prov. 24:10-12

 If you falter in a time of trouble, 

   how small is your strength! 

Rescue those being led away to death; 

   hold back those staggering toward slaughter. 

If you say, “But we knew nothing about this,” 

   does not he who weighs the heart perceive it? 

Does not he who guards your life know it? 

   Will he not repay everyone according to what they have done?

-Proverbs 24:10-12

34-3

Tip of My Tongue is a tool that I discovered. It is supposed to help you find those words and phrases that you can't think of, but you know exist. I've yet to use it, but I think that it will be a great tool.

33-2

I closed my bank account the other day. And drove with a check of the money from my savings and checking to a different bank, depositing it into our accounts. It is silly that such a thing brings a lightness and joy to my heart.

One time, early in our marriage I had received a great deal of backlash for things that were perceived about my beliefs. It hurt deeply and I was afraid to face the people that had said and done those things. I'll never forget my husband taking my hand and telling me that I no longer had to walk alone. My "what if" scenarios were met with, "I will stand by you" and I think from that moment on our marriage has been centered around those words. We have walked through much together and there is more coming. Luckily when one of us is broken, the other somehow remains strong.

I guess the money, for me, was a small statement of that commitment.

32-1

All you need is a sunrise

Just a moment of dawn
If you're lost in the twilight
Close your eyes and move on
When you're tired in the waiting
Even though it's gonna take you
A little more time 
Just a little more time the sun's gonna find you

- Sunrise by Brandon Heath

I go to the gym when my husband goes to training in the morning. The past few days the sun has started to rise just as we're heading back home in the car. It used to be a special occasion when I woke up early enough to see the sunrise. I look forward to it becoming routine.

31

My Toms Shoes now have a hole. You can see the right toe has worked through and the left has a similar mark, meaning it will break through soon enough. As I noticed this, I began to ask myself questions about the non-profit that I hadn't asked before:

• kids grow out of their shoes quickly. Do they have programs to give consistently to the same children?
• I barely walked in these shoes compared to kids who walk miles to school every morning. Do they replace holey shoes? I guess holey shoes are better than no shoes. 

It made me wonder about programs that I get sucked into purchasing from. I feel as though I should ask more questions and do more research. Not discounting Toms Shoes in the least. They have a great cause and do great things for children and it looks like from what I read on their website, their program is pretty sound. I'm sure someone asked these questions before. I'm sure they have answers.

30

"Where could darkness as dark as this have come from,
too far to see but we know we can sense that it exists,
and how can I do anything but run from
the will to fight a fight for which I feel so ill-equipped..."
- Relient K "What can I do?" from the Freedom CD

Last spring, I gave a statement of calling. I guess it was supposed to be a statement of me announcing my calling and what the year had taught me about such things, but as I stared at a blank page I realized how ill-equipped I was to speak about the calling in my own life.

I opened with a photo of a pile of puzzle pieces on a table. I said about my calling, "I’ve got separate pieces that I think are important enough to be in the puzzle, but I don’t know how they’ll work together or what the picture is going to look like."

My pieces: Writing, Graphic Design, and Women

Lately, I've been thinking about that last piece. I've been ignoring it, mostly because I feel unqualified to do what I want. But this piece is so critical. I couldn't explain in a few words the depths I've come out of and the many times that I've been at the end of myself only to be pulled through. In the end, it isn't about qualifications. It's about not leaving others alone in the darkness.

I've been blessed with a day off in the middle of the week. I hope to put it to use.

"...If this didn't horrify me I'd be heartless,
but every night I lay here paralyzed.
No, I won't be consumed with all this darkness.
Instead, I'll find surprise within the light..."

29

Homemade Applesauce.

I don't remember why I started making homemade applesauce. I think that I thought it would be cheaper for some reason, definitely healthier [and a great way to use my leftover apples from Panera before they go bad]. I will say that one of my favorite things for breakfast is non-sweetened Greek yogurt with homemade applesauce mixed in. And get this. I make it in the microwave.

Recipe

• 4-6 apples quickly peeled [some skin adds crunch] and cubed [I usually buy red ones because they are sweet enough that I don't have to add a great deal of sugar]
• 1/2-1 TBS brown sugar [dependent on your sweet tooth and type of apples.]
• 1/2 tsp cinnamon
• sprinkle of nutmeg
• 1/8 cup water
• 1 TBS lemon juice [if fresh, I usually use juice and rind from 1/2 a lemon]

Stir together in large microwave bowl. Heat in microwave 8-10 minutes. Mash to desired consistency. [Try it warm, it's delicious!]

28

The internet has been iffy for a while. Today, I read an article at Microsoft.com [Woah, totally tried to put the link to the article here, clicked the link button and it automatically linked to Microsoft's Homepage. The second link is the article.] about Wireless Frequencies. Now it is up and running smoothly and I am stuck playing catch-up.

27

“If you’re going to risk and maybe fail, fail at something that matters. Fail gloriously so that even in failure, lives change.”

- Jon Acuff

Failure is a silly thing. [My husband makes fun of me for calling things silly. He has started to tell me that I should write notes that announce the silliness I point out daily and leave them for people to read, usually the perpetrators of the silliness.]


It is a silly thing and yet the fear of it can be paralyzing. The grasp that it has over so many people [myself included] is so sad, especially before it [failure] even occurs.


A girl in my small group told me in the car on Sunday that a study showed that if a woman is convinced that she is going to fail, her performance drops dramatically. [Apparently, men perform the same.] [I tried to look this article up, but Google only showed articles on heart failure.] 


I found this quote today and this month it will be my motto. [Maybe next month, too. We'll see.]

26

In my life I"ve seen a thousand dreams
Through the threshers all torn to pieces
- Ohio - Over the Rhine


While at work, I've been listening to grooveshark (a free online program that lets you create your own musical playlists. When I heard this lyric the other day it reminded me of my re-imagined futures and how sometimes the dreams are hard to give up. To see them torn on the floor tugs at the heart. I thought of my dreams in middle school and high school and even college that are so far from where I am now. Then, when they fell apart, it might have hurt, but now, I can only be thankful that none of them materialized. You would think that based on this kind of track record, I'd have more trust and joy when things start crumbling or shifting. Some days I do better than others.

25

I'll learn to get by
On the little victories


Lately the days don't seem to have enough hours and my body lacks enough energy to finish all the lists I create in my head. Even at work, I go home with a list of where to pick up tomorrow. My holes of free time are filled easily. But I am learning, through a great deal of struggling, that the lists are only lists and the successes of the day matter less and less compared to those moments when I feel connected with something greater than myself, whether it is alone, praying before a meal at the dinner table, reading my devotional before bed, or talking with new and old friends about such things. Connections come in and out and I am overjoyed, sometimes sad, and sometimes frustrated, but never unaware that even in the sadness the gifts of the day are overflowing. No matter how little.

24

This week the Passat went into the shop. It was the first time I've had to personally pay for car repairs. It took a lot out of me to hand my card over and see my savings account drop.

My husband's boss told him that God was trying to humble us. 

This year, I look forward to more opportunities to trust the Lord in new ways. 

23

"Sometimes you have to die to the dream God has given you so God can resurrect the dream in its glorified form. And by glorified from, I simply mean doing it for God's glory."

- Mark Batterson

22

Stumblings

I had lunch with my brother today. He introduced me to StumbleUpon, a completely dangerous way to spend your time. I decided to try it out in between lunch and coffee with a friend. Below are links that I could not keep to myself.

• Amusing Flyers
• Making peeling a potato easier
• This person creates art/words out of book pages
• A way to find new recipes (comes with pictures and everything)

More to come later.

21

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

- The Valley Song by Jars of Clay

20

I take pictures of license plates. I started taking them when I saw a license plate that said Harry Potter. I can't recall which letters were missing on the license plate. I took the photo so that I would remember, but it was too blurry to be read. Most of the pictures that I've taken are blurry, so below is a list of the ones I remember.

• Harry Potter
• CPNSQUID: I am not really sure what this one means, but I will continue trying to figure it out. 
• FreeGirl
• There was a piece of cardboard taped to the back of the car that said, "Stolen temporary license plate" I saw this over Thanksgiving.

19

"We live in a shadow, a faint image of our selves prior to the Fall. Sin is a curse that diminishes us. Our very best pales when compared to our original design by God."

My church is going through a devotional. If I knew which one of the pastors wrote this, I would cite him. Some may say that this sounds limiting and demotivating, but I find it freeing.

18

My printer is picky. It rejects regular printer paper in a ball, only after yanking the pages from its death grip, sometimes it rips the page to make its point. Only high quality. I bought stationery to write to my husband while he was at basic training. The printer accepts these pages in relief.

17

I have a sick-sweatshirt. Hoodie to be exact. It was a hand-me-down from my older brother that's never fit, unless you count me fitting my entire self inside of it, which is why it remains in my closet most days of the year. It's warmth is perfect for the chills of a high fever, but I mostly keep it for the small joy of crawling inside of something soft that holds me together.

In such a fragile state, the smallest spouts of joy are worth lingering in.  I am trying to linger daily in such  little things because even those are gifts.

16

"Every human wish dream that is injected into the Christian community is a hindrance to genuine community and must be banished if genuine community is to survive. He who loves his dream of community more than the community itself becomes a destroyer of the latter, even though his personal intentions may be ever so honest and earnest and sacrificial."

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together

Today was yet another reminder that imagined futures can hinder how I take in reality. I did not react the best today. Thank God for forgiveness and redemption.

15

I used to believe watermelon made you pregnant. I remember sitting at the kitchen table as my dad brought my mom a plate of cut-up watermelon, knowing that in her belly a sibling was growing. She blamed the constant craving for watermelon on her pregnancy and my four-year-old mind decided that what she really meant to say was that the watermelon itself made her pregnant.

Today, I tried to make sense of this memory in the context of watermelon being my favorite fruit as a kid. I decided that I must of created some criteria for watermelon's success in creating a baby, like eating it daily or reaching a certain age or even being married (though how watermelon could sense that someone is married is a different question all together). This reason came after my initial thought of, "Maybe, at first at least, I wanted a baby."

I'm sure, though at four my understanding of what a baby meant was extremely different from my understanding now.

-

There is a video of my little brother laying on a baby quilt on the carpet of our living room. Every few minutes, I enter the frame and kiss my little brother on the cheek whispering, "I love you." After five or six kisses, my brother becomes irritated and starts whining and my mother can be heard telling me to stop. I continue.

-

There is also a picture of me holding my baby brother, beaming with pride, now I jump just looking at the photograph. My little brother's head is sharply angled downward.

14

Today, I told my husband that there were still things that we didn't know about each other. He looked at me in surprise. I proved my point by telling the story of my first kiss, age 4 in a Kindercare classroom, smooched on the lips by a boy that was moving away, a parting gift of sorts. It started a conversation about our younger-selves. We searched facebook for friends from childhood, showing them all grown up as we told stories of growing up with them.

13

Very Vanilla Soymilk

I bought Very Vanilla Soymilk to use as creamer a few weeks ago. This was when I decided to drink coffee [I've abandoned that idea now]. A few days later my husband told me that he had to confess something. Each night after dinner, he had a glass of Very Vanilla Soymilk for dessert. I only used the soymilk for coffee once, but it has become a staple in our apartment.

12

Since December 26, we have had one car. It has been an interesting couple of weeks, not only adjusting to married life, but continually switching around schedules and making compromises. The plus side is that there is nothing like picking someone up to take them home. There's an underlying excitement at the end of the day when we both arrive home at the same time and start cooking dinner together. It has made us more of a tag team than single people. We were forced to depend on one another and work with one another and communicate instead of assuming.

11

I was married one month ago, today. Because of the snow/ice today, we ended up spending the whole day together. His classes were cancelled and I mainly avoided work except for the three hours I put in later today.

We went to subway for lunch, where I slipped on the ice on the sidewalk, I think I nearly gave the cashier a heart attack. Then we went to his parents' house and boxes of his things. I guess you could say he is officially moved out. But I've found that there is something about going to my parents house and opening the closet to find clothes that I had missed or sometimes never even worn to bring back memories.

I fell asleep on the futon while he packed boxes and organized little things. We went to the mall and wandered. Then the lights got to my eyes, so we headed home. I shut myself in the bedroom to do my work and my husband played the newest video game he rented. 

We went to a glorified southern restaurant downtown for dinner. They actually cook a pig overnight for barbecue. It was the nicest restaurant I've been to and had baked beans, bbq, and hushpuppies. Perfect. 

10

"Half the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They don't mean to do harm, but the harm does not interest them...or they do not see it, or they justify it...because they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves."

- T.S. Eliot

9

I have used up more than
20,000 days waiting to see
what the next would bring.

Last year, I bought a book of poetry, a conversation between Ted Kooser and his friend Jim Harrison. The book is a correspondence in poetry between the two authors. I started talking about Kooser and then I got all sentimental and pulled a book down. It is full of vignettes of wisdom, sparks of thought. The quote above is one.

I wonder how many days I have wasted waiting for tomorrow. I remember spending hours in my room staring out the window, listening to music in my youth, imagining a life that was different. These days, especially when it snows, I can't wait to leave work because somehow I feel that that is when life begins. I need to be reminded that sometimes when I am waiting for later or the next day, I miss what is happening around me. I don't see what I should see.

8

Last month, I sat in Barnes and Noble, a bit early for a meeting with the friend who helped us plan our wedding.  I wandered to the second floor and found my way to what was the poetry section. The poetry section had moved, to my dismay. Ted Kooser is one of my favorite poets and one of his poems has always made the art of reading a book of poetry in the book store quite a romantic experience. Yet, I did not find the books I was looking for, but instead books on design. Amazing that one section was replaced with another that sparked such an interest in me. I eyed the choices for a while and settled on a book. I even settled on taking it back downstairs with me to read in the coffee shop as I waited for my friend and my now husband to arrive.

I find reading a book in a bookstore that you know that you are not going to buy quite interesting.

Thus I direct you to read Selecting a Reader.

7

Last night was I was late getting home, thus jumped into bed early and missed my post.

But I will summarize yesterday in a paragraph and then support a BBC TV show that is, amazing.

Work=raise. Mother=dinner. Friends=homemade waffle cones, fresh ice cream, Sherlock Holmes, Munchkin.

BBC started a mini-series that aired in the US on PBS called Sherlock. It is a modern day Sherlock Holmes. The episodes are 1.5 hours without commercials. I have only seen one and thus cannot give it the raving review that I would like until I see it in its entirety. But the first episode was witty, funny, and interesting until the end. All I can say is I am on a search for a way to watch the other episodes and I am thankful that they are recording a second series (the first is only 3 episodes).

6

Today after work, my husband picked me up. Instead of heading straight home for dinner, we went to Target for jeans and other necessary household items that you don't realize that you're missing until you need them. The dollar spot won us over with coloring books. We spent much of the evening following dinner coloring (with colored pencils, which will always be superior to crayons) in our Star Wars and Megamind coloring books (guess which one was mine).

Now a proud picture is displayed on the side of our refrigerator.

5

Random Thoughts and Facts:

I only have two today but I want this kind of post to make a semi-regular appearance.

1. S's do not make the lines go up on an audio frequency bar in an audio editing program.

I was editing audio for a presentation using illustrations that is supposed to flow like a movie scene, meaning audio ends for one character, quick switch to the next. At first I was using the end of the frequency bar to trim the clips, until I realized that if the last word ended in an "s" it didn't show up. Needless to say. I had to redo a bit.

2. I have decided after editing e-courses on multiple different health conditions that "infarction" is probably the most amusing medical term I've come across.

It could be the similarity to the word "fart" or it's own odd combination of sounds. If only the word was a happy thing, like naturally excreting a perfume that made you smell like lilacs. Nope. According to wikipedia it is related to tissue death.

4

"Dear brethren, our real trouble is not doubt about the way upon which we have set out, but our failure to be patient, to keep quiet. We still cannot imagine that today God really doesn't want anything new for us, but simply to prove us in the old way. That is too petty, too monotonous, too undemanding for us. And we simply cannot be constant with the fact that God's cause is not always the successful one, that we really could be "unsuccessful": and yet be on the right road. But this is where we find out whether we have begun in faith or in a burst of enthusiasm."

-Dietrich Bonhoeffer

I have never read the writing of someone so certain of failure and yet so sure that the direction he was going in was correct. Over and over again, I read these letters where Bonhoeffer writes to friends honest, yet inspiring words of the hope within failure. It reminds me of the song "Background" by Lecrae where it says, "'Cause if I do this by myself, I'm scared that I'll succeed/ And no longer trust in You, 'cause I only trust in me."

Success is an idol in my life. Even little successes. For example, yesterday I had decided to drive to pickup my husband from work without looking up directions. It's easy, take an exit off of 440, turn right, then turn left at the correct road. I kept reading street signs and never found the road I was supposed to turn on. I drove until the road ended. I was furious when I looked it up on my phone and found out that the road I was supposed to turn on actually changed names just before the intersection. Why? Because I sought out a small success and it couldn't even be mine. I turned around and realized the idiocy behind my frustration. I couldn't have possibly known the road changed names without research.

But life successes are also something I yearn for. Lecrae's song lyrics point out the negatives of success and honestly, I don't think I'm ready for anything close to big life successes or failures, especially if I can't handle loss of a small victory.

"We still cannot imagine that today God really doesn't want anything new for us, but simply to prove us in the old way."

3

"Where God tears great gaps we should not try to fill them with human words. They should remain open."

-Dietrich Bonhoeffer

A group of my friends creates CDs of our year. At the end of each year, we come together with our playlists and go one song at a time around the circle until we've gone through them all. We explain events that caused the songs to be included. Some are happy and uplifting, and others are sad.

This line made me think of our circle last week. We told sad, hard stories about frustrations and struggles. Some of which we've overcome and others that are still weights. We'd listen and then we'd move on. I realized that moving on did not discount the events at all, but let them stand as they were. I know that day is not the end of conversations, but the beginning of them. I think that we've learned somehow that some struggles and wounds do not have words that cover them and bind them up. In fact, sometimes the attempted words only seem to cut deeper.

2

Queen Elizabeth: [Using the name "Mrs. Johnson"] My husband's work involves a great deal of public speaking.
Lionel Logue: Then he should change jobs.
Queen Elizabeth: He can't.
Lionel Logue: What is he, an indentured servant?
Queen Elizabeth: Something like that.

These days I've been interested in WWII, from reading Bonhoeffer (a biography of a pastor in Germany during WWII) to Sarah's Key (a fictional piece about the 1942 Paris roundups and deportations). Tonight I saw The King's Speech with my husband. It is about King George VI and a doctor who helps him overcome his stutter, very necessary for all of the speeches he read during during WWII. I found out about it from a blog I read. The above quote is from the film.

I find myself drawn to this war that forced people into roles beyond their comprehension. But the circumstances forced betterment of character and growth. Extreme persistence. Hope in the face of darkness.

1

We used to think that one of the inalienable rights of man was that he should be able to plan both his professional and his private life. That is a thing of the past. The force of circumstances has brought us into a situation where we have to give up being "anxious about tomorrow" (Matt. 6:34). But it makes all the difference whether we accept this willingly and in faith (as the sermon on the Mount intends), or under continual constraint. For most people, the compulsory abandonment of planning for the future means that they are forced back into living just for the moment, irresponsibly, frivolously, or resignedly; some few dream longingly of better times to come, and try to forget the present. We find both courses equally impossible, and there remains for us only the very narrow way, often extremely difficult to find, of living every day as if it were our last, and yet living in faith and responsibility as though there were to be a great future....Thinking and acting for the sake of the coming generation, but being ready to go any day without fear or anxiety--that, in practice, is the spirit in which we are forced to live. It is not easy to be brave and keep that spirit alive, but it is imperative.

"After Ten Years"- Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Life is a struggle to find the middle ground. I've learned the last few years to let go of my imagined futures with a lighter heart and to hold the newly imagined ones with an open hand, willing to let them go at a moment's notice. I can't say that I've always done this and maybe I'll still discover patches of bitterness in my heart for their loss. But here is to a year of re-imagined futures and struggling to find that middle ground.